My question involves a marriage in the state of:California
*Married a Narcissistic Sociopath in 2008
*He accumulated 80k in his 401k all during our marriage.
*In 2010, he convinced me to declare bankruptcy on cards that were in my name, but were community debt. So that he could buy us a house with his good credit, he said. I'm stupid. He's an Ass.
*Sociopath then racks up another 30k in cc debt that I didn't know about until the cards were maxed. When I found out, he said it was all my fault because I didn't make enough money. Again, ass. When I asked to see the statements, he refused.
*Without telling me, the Sociopath takes a loan against his 401k to pay of the 30k in credit card debt. He told me after the fact. Huge fight, but again he says its all my fault. Again, I'm stupid. He's an ass.
*Sociopath then racks up another 20k in cc debt. Again, without my knowledge and he has always refused to let me see statements.
Fast forward to now. I filed for divorce without an attorney because we agreed to be amicable (I'm stupid). The deal was looking like he was going to take the present credit card debt, and I was going to get half of the 401k minus the money owed on it plus about $1400 in spousal support for 3 years. I felt good about this. However things have gotten ugly and he is constantly playing games. Cutting the support (there is no court order) by half right before Christmas and without notice. Stuff like that. Threats of restraining orders whenever we get into the slightest argument. Stupid. He's an ass. So anyway...
I have retained a lawyer, but we're waiting for Sociopath to respond. His response is due in about a week. I understand the community property rules and that technically because that debt was acquired during the course of our marriage, I am on the hook for half of it. But I have questions that require some creative answers. There really is no money besides the 401k minus the debts, and I don't want to spend a ton of money fighting him. But I'm scared I may not have a choice.
1) I understand that if the debt accumulated was not used for the benefit of the community, I have a decent chance of being reimbursed. I feel very very confident that the cards are full of trips and strip clubs and hotel rooms with the various women he was sleeping with our whole marriage. But what is the cost benefit to this? Is it going to cost me that same amount of money to sift through and interrogate him about his debt?
2) isn't this some kind of breach of fiduciary duty as my husband? Do I have any legal recourse there?
3) He truly is Narcissistic Personality Disordered and he is more interested in destroying me financially and emotionally, than he is setting quickly and efficiently. I have refused any contact from him for 2 weeks, but yesterday took the bait. He called me and he is pissed I got an attorney and was threatening me over and over that he was going to "take me down". He said he doesn't care if he has to drag this out for 3 years. He'll spend all of his (our) money fighting me. Can he do this? Are there any laws in place to prevent it?
I am looking for some creative thoughts and ideas to negotiate this with him as best I can. Because I already have a bankruptcy, I am most concerned about taking on his debt. All of the cards are in his name only, but California don't care. What would you do? What would you relinquish and what would you fight for? All of the money and debt we have is listed above. With legal fees in mind, what are some things I can do or shouldn't do in order to get this done ASAP.
We own no property. He makes about $160,000 and I make about $55,000. When I married him, my business was doing 3 times better. Another pitfall of being married to a Narcissist. I need the spousal support right now too. I actually wish I could just tell him to take it and leave, but I can't.
What would you tell your mom, sister or best friend to do?
*Married a Narcissistic Sociopath in 2008
*He accumulated 80k in his 401k all during our marriage.
*In 2010, he convinced me to declare bankruptcy on cards that were in my name, but were community debt. So that he could buy us a house with his good credit, he said. I'm stupid. He's an Ass.
*Sociopath then racks up another 30k in cc debt that I didn't know about until the cards were maxed. When I found out, he said it was all my fault because I didn't make enough money. Again, ass. When I asked to see the statements, he refused.
*Without telling me, the Sociopath takes a loan against his 401k to pay of the 30k in credit card debt. He told me after the fact. Huge fight, but again he says its all my fault. Again, I'm stupid. He's an ass.
*Sociopath then racks up another 20k in cc debt. Again, without my knowledge and he has always refused to let me see statements.
Fast forward to now. I filed for divorce without an attorney because we agreed to be amicable (I'm stupid). The deal was looking like he was going to take the present credit card debt, and I was going to get half of the 401k minus the money owed on it plus about $1400 in spousal support for 3 years. I felt good about this. However things have gotten ugly and he is constantly playing games. Cutting the support (there is no court order) by half right before Christmas and without notice. Stuff like that. Threats of restraining orders whenever we get into the slightest argument. Stupid. He's an ass. So anyway...
I have retained a lawyer, but we're waiting for Sociopath to respond. His response is due in about a week. I understand the community property rules and that technically because that debt was acquired during the course of our marriage, I am on the hook for half of it. But I have questions that require some creative answers. There really is no money besides the 401k minus the debts, and I don't want to spend a ton of money fighting him. But I'm scared I may not have a choice.
1) I understand that if the debt accumulated was not used for the benefit of the community, I have a decent chance of being reimbursed. I feel very very confident that the cards are full of trips and strip clubs and hotel rooms with the various women he was sleeping with our whole marriage. But what is the cost benefit to this? Is it going to cost me that same amount of money to sift through and interrogate him about his debt?
2) isn't this some kind of breach of fiduciary duty as my husband? Do I have any legal recourse there?
3) He truly is Narcissistic Personality Disordered and he is more interested in destroying me financially and emotionally, than he is setting quickly and efficiently. I have refused any contact from him for 2 weeks, but yesterday took the bait. He called me and he is pissed I got an attorney and was threatening me over and over that he was going to "take me down". He said he doesn't care if he has to drag this out for 3 years. He'll spend all of his (our) money fighting me. Can he do this? Are there any laws in place to prevent it?
I am looking for some creative thoughts and ideas to negotiate this with him as best I can. Because I already have a bankruptcy, I am most concerned about taking on his debt. All of the cards are in his name only, but California don't care. What would you do? What would you relinquish and what would you fight for? All of the money and debt we have is listed above. With legal fees in mind, what are some things I can do or shouldn't do in order to get this done ASAP.
We own no property. He makes about $160,000 and I make about $55,000. When I married him, my business was doing 3 times better. Another pitfall of being married to a Narcissist. I need the spousal support right now too. I actually wish I could just tell him to take it and leave, but I can't.
What would you tell your mom, sister or best friend to do?
Division of Assets: Creative Ways to Settle This with an Ex Who Doesn't Want to Settle
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